Parenthood 101

Apparently 2 1/2 years is just enough time to forget how exhausting life is with a newborn in the house. I came across the following 11 step guide to preparing you for parenthood. To all of our friends who have recently embarked on this journey with us...this is for you.


Thinking of having kids? Please complete this 11-step program first-

**Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to the grocery store's head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time. Ever.

**Lesson 2

1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
parents already and berate them about their:
-methods of discipline.
-lack of patience.
-appallingly low tolerance levels.
-allowing their children to run wild.

2. suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Then enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

**Lesson 3

This lesson is a really good way to discover how the nights might feel.

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8 to 12 pounds with a radio set to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.

2. At 10 p.m., put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again with the bag until 1 a.m.

4. Set the alarm for 3 a.m.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m.

7. Get up at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off again.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4 a.m.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).

Repeat steps 1-9 each night for 3 to 5 years. Look cheerful and together.

**Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. and wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

**Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Helpful hint: Time allowed for this exercise: all morning.

**Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a minivan. And don't think that you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies and mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

**Lesson 7

1. Go to the local grocery store.

2. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a preschool-age child. A
full-grown goat is an excellent choice. If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

**Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half of the remaining Cheerios into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

**Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the
Teletubbies and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney Channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

**Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no
more than a four-second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

**Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug
on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Remember, a sense of
humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a
parent!

It's a Girl!

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of our beautiful Sofia Margaret Orona. We welcomed Sofia into the world at 12:19 this morning. She was a chunky 8 lbs. 4 oz (larger than her brother) and is 20 1/2 inches long. She has the most beautiful head of black hair and long eyelashes that are sure to melt her daddy's heart! We are so thrilled that she has joined our family and our blessed that she is so healthy and happy.

Remembering Phoenix

I joke around a lot about that fact that we now live in Arkansas but the truth of the matter is that there are some things about it that I really love. And although, I spent 28 years of my life in the Valley of the Sun and do miss it at times, there are some aspects of life in the desert I can truly live without. Hence the following...


Driving in Phoenix-

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is: "FEE-NICKS".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. And if all that isn't enough to remember, SR 51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. Becomes Cactus Rd. but Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. Because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.



The saddest part? This would be funny if it weren't completely true!

I've Been Tagged

Looks like I have been tagged by my good friend, Stephanie. So, here goes...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Kids Club Leader for the Kyrene School District
2. Music Secretary at Southwestern College
3. Elementary/Junior High Teacher
4. Administrative Assistant at Palm Valley Church

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1. You've Got Mail
2. The Princess Bride
3. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
4. Every Baby Einstein video ever produced

Four places I’ve lived:
1. Phoenix, AZ
2. Marysville, WA
3. Goodyear, AZ
4. Little Rock, AR (hopefully there will be a 5th) :)

Four TV shows I watch:
1. Friends
2. Go, Diego, Go
3. American Idol
4. Project Runway

Four places I’ve been:
1. Zurich, Switzerland
2. Paris, France
3. Rome, Italy
4. London, England

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Mexican
2. Pizza
3. Italian
4. Ice Cream

Four places I would love to visit:
1. Hawaii
2. New York
3. Prince Edward Island
4. Sicily

Four things I’m looking forward to in the coming year:
1. Having a baby (hopefully in the coming week!)
2. Moving into a house
3. Visiting friends and family
4. Seeing what God has in store for us next...

Four friends I’m tagging:
1. Anna Reckard http://rsymphony.blogspot.com/
2. Vania Reckard http://reckardfamily.blogspot.com/
3. Amy Jo Halliday http://hallidayzoo.blogspot.com/
4. Mandi Lamb http://www.idaholambs.blogspot.com/

It's Here!

I am wishing at the moment that the title of this blog would have been....She's Here! But, at this point we'll take what we can get. Our laptop has finally arrived and thus ended the need for me to get on and off the floor in order to get online. It feels good to be part of the blogging world again and it's only taken me a few days to catch up on my emails. :)

Taking a Break

It's official. This will be my last blog for a while (unless, of course, Jason Castro doesn't get voted off of American Idol and I am forced to vent my frustration to an audience). In the process of turning our office into a nursery we have made some minor changes. For a few weeks, okay months really, we have had our computer on what used to be our coffee table. Meaning that one must sit on the floor to operate it. Not a big deal, until recently. This was intended to be short-lived, as we have ordered a laptop, but apparently Dell does not understand the severity of the situation. They have delayed the shipment of our new computer and it will not be arriving for about another two weeks. I have, very stubbornly I might add, refused to give in to the fact that pregnant women really need not be sitting on the floor for extensive periods of time. And, until now, my addiction to net-surfing has kept me powering through. I don't have a problem getting on the floor. I now have a problem getting off of the floor. So, until FedEx arrives at my door with the computer we ordered over a month ago...I'm signing off.

Hopefully my next blog will include a riveting story of childbirth and pictures of a little bundle all wrapped in pink!

What I Need...

At 36 weeks pregnant, there are a lot of things one needs- a housekeeper, a chef, a nanny, a full-body massage, a grande mocha Frappuccino (did I say that out loud?)... the list goes on and on. I received this from a friend and thought it might put a fun spin on what I "really" need, according to Google that is. Ironically, most of these are surprisingly accurate. It was actually quite frightening to see what appeared when I typed in my name and a random verb in the Google search. I even learned a bit about myself... :)



1) Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
What Eileen really needs is to stop goofing around on the internet and start working on her thesis.

2) Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Eileen looks like a manic depressive zombie. (totally accurate!)

3) Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
Eileen likes music.

4) Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
Eileen says stuff.

5) Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
Eileen wants someone who will dote on her, and hold her often, and regularly fill her plate with fresh greens.

6) Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Eileen does a jump at the sand dunes! and plus.. shes pregnant.

7) Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Eileen hates housework. (Can I get an Amen?!)

8) Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
Eileen goes to the announcements tool and sends a message to students to let them know the image collection is available. (okay so maybe this one isn't so realistic, but it could have happened a few years ago...)

9) type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Eileen loves to run up and down the driveway as fast as she can.

10) Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Eileen has all the tools to help you find, sell, or invest in Real Estate.